Chain reactions of Anxiety in my life

"The Vast emptiness, exploring the void within"

I've often grappled with anxiety, and some suggest its roots may trace back to childhood trauma or a significant heartbreak to which i don't really have an answer. However, the true underlying cause of my somewhat reserved and less people-friendly disposition remains elusive. I tend to be exceptionally kind to those I hold dear, while I may not invest much in those with whom I have no significant connection. I did not realize what i was going through until i have started learning through social media that people do suffer from mental illnesses and there are identifiable stages associated with it. i don't know until today whether i fall in that category or i ever did in the last many years where i have been silently battling my emotions without letting anyone catch a hint of my struggles. I come from a family where discussing my weird concerns over the morning breakfast table isn't a common thing to do. Consistently, i have always hidden my issues, always choosing to sweep it under the rug. I never thought, and honestly i still don't believe that there could be someone as sensitive as me, or perhaps even more so. I also did not imagine my sensitive nature would bring me an overwhelming amount of pain. I'd call my friend in the middle of the night and if she remembers, say nothing and just cry over the phone. She would ask me once, if there's anything in particular that's making me cry and i would go on sobbing without uttering a word. She wouldn't force me to say anything, she understood my situation then. She knew nothing made sense to me either, i was as oblivious about my tears as she was. This was the time when all i had on my plate to worry about was studies, which was also my only focus and goal at that very moment. Well, now being an adult, soon in my 30's it's become a struggle to even catch my breath with the multitude of concerns that have piled up, there's so much on the plate i can't sort which things to worry about first. 

Anyway, like that i somehow managed to navigate through college and university, i did okay in studies too. I don't know whether i was less aware about the future at that time or i was so preoccupied with unraveling the intricacies of my emotions and trying to understand why i felt the way i did. I made some decisions that i am not really proud of today. I cannot undo them or constantly keep sulking over that too, but it just makes me feel very uneasy. 

PhD, YEAHHHHHHH "You are going to be a doctor" the most annoying sentence i hear from people. I did not opt for PhD to be a doctor, first. and choosing your hometown for a Phd could be a disaster, it was for me. 5 years 5 months and the problems are still unsolved. somehow i am managing to slither my way through the writing of thesis. The countless times i have shed tears and the nights i have spent without sleep, blaming "insomnia" and alone almost every time. I tap my own shoulder for making it through, for not giving up and for not losing it. I almost lost it so many times i still feel the shiver in my bones today thinking about the thoughts that passed my mind at those times. I once took an online consultation, i was too afraid to visit a doctor physically, because every time i broke down Infront of someone i was always told "problem kya hein, you have everything" and that made me feel judged. I could not imagine the talks or the stares that would follow after people knowing that i visit "dimaag ka doctor" which i know was wrong on my part. People did not help anyway, so what if they sit there and judge you for being courageous enough to talk about your emotions. The online consultation, which was 20 minutes of me crying like a 1 year old child crying for his mother with a stranger doctor on the line cost me 600 bucks. and i could not have afforded 600 every 20 minutes for i don't know how many days. He sends me a prescription the next minute after we hung up the call. Anxiety, depression and some medicine. i did not take them. I told one or two friends of mine all of it. One of my friend came over with some fruits and drinks and stayed with me for sometime consoling me and my aching heart. I still shiver writing all of it, i am scared whether i should post it out there, will i be looked differently by some people who has no clue about any of what i am writing. 

I am not implying here that PhD made me this, the unhealed me walking a more complicated career path kept on congesting my chest even more. 

On top of everything i fell in love too... "Dreamy world". Yes, for the very first time...and i made supposedly a conscious decision of accepting this with the permission of my mother dear. i asked her if i could go ahead with what was coming my way. Never have my mother said no to me about anything. That is the kind of love i am spoilt with in my family. But i failed to recognize and accept that the world outside is not the same. I have been an obedient child, that's what i would like to believe at least. I cannot put in words how fortunate i have been in so many other aspects. My family making me feel loved and doing everything in and beyond their reach just to make sure i lack nothing. But again, the unhealed version of me, with magnified trust issues, this time taking complicated paths made me feel worse each day ahead. 

I was way more reserved some years back than i am now. I started opening up about the knot in my chest and the cracks in my voice. it helped sometimes and it also back fired at times. Like my insecurities were being counted to me, making me feel more worthless. 

There's still a lot of it in me that needs to be cashed into words but i'll conclude here with somewhat peculiar note, much like the way my life unfolds. People say it is ok to feel the way we feel, it is ok to express our emotions, it is ok to cry, ok to just be, ok doing this, that but ironically, these very same people judge you the moment you begin speaking your heart. Who do we go to then?

There are some people i owe big time to. for being there for me, for being a shoulder, for being a help. 

Might write the rest some other day.

Love love